But Aren’t You Supposed to Fix It?

Understanding Relational Psychodynamic Therapy and Why It Works

Description: Curious about how relational psychodynamic therapy works? Learn how this approach helps you explore deeper emotional patterns and build lasting change—with a therapist who walks the path with you.

What Is Relational Psychodynamic Therapy?

Relational psychodynamic therapy is a long-term, insight-oriented approach that helps people understand how their past shapes their present—especially in relationships. This kind of therapy emerged in the latter 20th century and centers around the idea that healing happens in the context of a real, human connection with your therapist.

Unlike cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which often uses worksheets, homework, and skills training, relational psychodynamic therapy dives beneath the surface. It involves paying attention to early experiences, internalized beliefs, and emotional patterns that continue to play out in your current life.

This method of therapy resonated deeply with me because it avoids a "band-aid" approach. While CBT can be effective for specific issues like phobias or short-term anxiety, relational therapy is uniquely positioned to support long-term transformation and deeper self-understanding (de Maat, de Jonghe, Schoevers, & Dekker, 2009).

What Makes This Approach Different?

People often come to therapy hoping to fix something. That desire is valid—but true healing isn’t always fast or clear-cut. One of the biggest misconceptions is that therapy is about giving advice. In reality, it’s about building the capacity to reflect, feel, and choose with awareness. And that takes time.

What makes relational therapy stand out is its focus on the therapeutic relationship—also known as the "dyad."

Many structured, manualized treatments treat all patients the same. In contrast, relational therapy views you as unique, and the relationship you build with your therapist is part of the work. As one of my favorite analysts, Karen Maroda, puts it, the therapist isn't some all-knowing expert towering above you. We're collaborators. We're two people navigating your internal world together.

Another key thinker in this field, Lewis Aron, coined the term mutual subjectivity to emphasize that the therapist is not a blank slate, but a real person whose presence and responses matter. As therapists, we reflect, we feel, and yes—we influence.

But influence doesn’t mean we give advice. We don’t direct your choices or tell you what to do. Instead, we hold space for you to figure it out for yourself. One of my favorite metaphors is this: therapy is like walking through a maze while I hold up a mirror. You bring the content, and I help you find the context.

Do Therapists Give Advice?

This is one of the most common questions I hear: "So, what should I do?" Whether you're unsure about a relationship, a job, or your own patterns, it's natural to want guidance.

But psychology isn’t life coaching. Therapists are trained to understand human development, attachment, and emotional patterns. Our job isn't to tell you what to do—it's to help you understand why you feel stuck, and what might be keeping you there.

We might use gentle self-disclosure at times, or share reflections that help clarify your thinking. But ultimately, we're working to help you make the choice, you hold the insight, and you own the outcome.

Once clients feel seen and supported, change becomes possible. Full stop.

Real Examples: "So What Do I Do About It?"

Here are two questions I hear often, and how relational therapy approaches them:

1. "I'm not sure I'm in the right relationship. What should I do?"This often arises from anxiety or ambivalence. Rather than give a yes/no answer, we explore what not feeling sure means to you. Is it familiar? What fears come up when you imagine staying or leaving? What would each choice mean about your sense of self? Relational therapy helps uncover the deeper meanings behind indecision.

2. "I know I have anxiety. So now what?"We start with a comprehensive history—early memories, family dynamics, how you learned to manage fear or sadness. Anxiety often shows up as the surface symptom of deeper emotional pain. As our work unfolds, we look at what’s underneath the worry. The real shift happens when you start recognizing patterns and building new ways of relating to yourself.

Over time, many clients begin to joke with me: "I already know what you’re going to say!" That’s not because I’m predictable, but because they’ve started internalizing the work. And that’s the goal.

Final Thoughts

We live in a culture that tells us we should have an answer for everything. That we need to do something about every feeling. But some things aren’t problems to solve—they’re truths to understand.

Relational psychodynamic therapy invites you to slow down, look inward, and reflect with a therapist who sees you as a full person, not a project to fix.

If this approach resonates with you, or you’re curious about starting therapy, I invite you to reach out. Let’s explore the maze together.